Before the course... The Tale of a First Time Vipassana Meditator
I first heard of Vipassana when I lived in South Korea. I remember my friend Tyler talking about his experience with some 10-day silent meditation course. I had caught myself thinking, “What!—why would anyone DO that? Ten days of SILENCE!? I could NEVER do that! I would never WANT to do that! What in tarnation?”
And yet, over the next four years, my ‘what in tarnation’ feelings dissipated and I felt drawn on an increasingly spiritual & soul-searching path. Wishing to elevate my consciousness, raise my vibrations, and ultimately, awaken(!), I hoped to transcend the rat race—this modern day consumer-driven, promotion-seeking, living for the weekends type of life. There has got to be more to life than wishing away the work week while paying off the mortgage eeee it’s not the life I’m dreaming of! And so, ten days of silent meditation, an experience that at one time seemed beyond daunting, suddenly seemed like an imperative stepping-stone on my pathway to enlightenment.
While living in Hawaii it appeared as though all my friends had already participated in the 10-day Vipassana course. They encouraged me to give it a go. I eagerly searched the website to sign up on the Big Island. But between limited space and a heck of a lot of like-minded island-dwellers, there appeared to be quite the demand for such an experience. The course was full, drat!
Fortunately at that time I was also planning a trip through Asia. My friend Lianne who I would be visiting in Japan asked me if I had considered taking the Vipassana course while traveling. I had listed Vipassana on my new moon manifestation wish list a day or two prior to our conversation. I searched for a Vipassana center in Asia—not only were there two in Japan, but one was in my favorite city—Kyoto. I signed up that day. Another wish fulfilled.
Fast forward to June 7, 2016. I sat on a local Japanese bus full of high-vibrating, yet energetically nervous individuals. I had a hunch we were all going to the same place. We cruised through beautiful country land and groves of bamboo. We exited the bus with our small suitcases, or in my case, a huge traveling backpack full of tea and tea paraphernalia (I stocked up in China, ok!? :-p). We loaded into the Vipassana center’s vans and drove to the place we would call home for the next 10 days—a place that would ultimately witness my transformation. Our driver recommended we take a photo of ourselves before and after the course…
The Vipassana Experience
The Beginning
We were given a lot of rules. We were told we could not exercise (not even yoga—too distracting apparently!)—though we could stretch. We were not allowed to read, write or have access to the outside world. We were not to speak, make eye contact or gesture to one another. Females were segregated from the males—there was a curtain dividing our living quarters from theirs. They sat on one half of the meditation hall and we sat on the other. They ate upstairs, we ate downstairs. We each had an outdoor area, roped off to maintain our separation throughout the course.
I looked at the daily schedule posted on the wall and counted the hours we would be sitting in meditation. Over 10. Each day. Wait a minute, this is what we are doing? Oh wow. I really didn’t look into this ahead of time. I don’t know about this. I can barely sit for 20 minutes in meditation. 10½ hours seems a little much. Anyone else with me? Oh we can’t talk—observe the “noble silence.” Shoot. I already told them I would stay for the full ten days. That was the agreement. Well then, no turning back now, let’s do this. Gulp.
And so I sat. On my cushion. Four rows back. Five seats to the right, on the edge, near the door. Good location. I can get up and leave the hall at any time without disturbing anyone.
We were given daily instructions in English via tape recording by our teacher, Goenka. This Indian man, a former successful businessman, learned the original Vipassana technique from his teacher in Burma (present-day Myanmar) passed on by Buddha himself. Each instruction he gave was translated into Japanese. And every day Goenka told me I was ‘bound to be successful.’
The first day I was instructed to notice my in-breath and out-breath through my nostrils. And for the first few days we practiced this method called anapana—observing the breath.
In addition to noticing my breath (slash not really), I also planned a few trips, rearranged the furniture in my room in Wisconsin, created a vegan baked ziti recipe, got engaged, planned my wedding, named my children, bought property in Hawaii and built a house, created a community, planned my career, started a business, organized a detailed business plan, and worked diligently with clients in said business. Man was I busy.
Besides the noticing my breath part, I was getting really good at this sitting thing—at least good at passing the time.
I couldn’t sit still though. From pushing one leg back to the other leg back to hugging my knees, I was all over the place. But so were all the others around me. Not that I was opening my eyes! (ok, ya caught me :-p) Basically, I was—without question—failing at this course from the get go.
During our break times, I walked outside. Soaked up the sunshine, listened to the birds, noticed the spiders forming tunnels and caves with their webs—never seen that before. They had told us to wear shoes outside because of “snakes” and I thought oh sure, they just don’t want us dirty hippies going barefoot and tracking mud inside the meditation hall. But sure enough, on day four I nearly stepped on a huge snake in the path! Maybe 5 ft long. I saw him days later up in a little tree. I also witnessed skinks in a scuffle, fat frogs, colorful caterpillars, and a broken butterfly.
The Broken Butterfly
He had lost part of his wing and maybe two of his feet (they’re supposed to have 6, yeah?) Well anyway, this butterfly could not fly. And he crawled on to my hand. He vibrated violently at first and eventually calmed down. When the gong sounded for our next meditation, I left him by the flowers.
I came back afterward and he was just where I’d left him. He hopped back on my hand and used his long tongue to cover my hand in his saliva—how nice of him to share! I let him down once more when it was again time to meditate.
Upon my return, he allowed me to witness something quite spectacular. Through some intense wing flapping, he purposefully broke off part of his intact wing to have symmetry with the missing piece. Immediately after, he began ambling toward me at a brisk pace. He looked up in my eye and we both knew this was it for him. By breaking off his wing he accepted that he would no longer fly—and would therefore be an easy meal for another critter.
I told him I’m sorry he was on his way out like this. But he responded to me: our physical life is impermanent. My body is physical and will pass away but my soul will live on. He said he was grateful for losing part of his wing for had he not, he would never have shared time and had this connection with me. And because of our time together, he is the happiest butterfly in the world.
I was amazed because I had not viewed his situation in that way. What a wise butterfly. He gifted me the partial wing he had flapped off. We knew it would be the last time we saw one another.
When I returned during our next break, he was nowhere to be seen. Picking up a flower he had sat upon, I performed a ceremony for the butterfly. I thanked him for his lesson on nonattachment, the inevitability of change and impermanence, and the wisdom he bestowed upon me. The acquiescence of the butterfly—what a gift to behold!
Going Deeper
When I wasn’t walking laps around the garden or conversing with butterflies, I spent a good amount of time “stretching” while actually practicing yoga—shhhhh…. I’m pretty sure others were doing some yoga too, even the guys (not that I was looking, sheesh!) … Because gosh golly, my body was in an interesting state from all that sitting…
On Day 4 we moved beyond noticing our breath and learned the Vipassana meditation technique. Vipassana translates to “seeing things as they truly are.” We were instructed to notice the sensations of the entire body from top to bottom. They even closed the doors on us (no 20 minute bathroom breaks this time, Liz!) and so I knew things were getting serious. By Day 5, I was experiencing full body vibrations, like energy waves coursing up and down my body. I’d done it! I was convinced I'd reached enlightenment!!
During our evening meditation before bed, the vibrations were even more intense. I noticed my heart rate speeding up and my hands sweating profusely. Understandably I was unnerved by such intense sensation, and I felt obligated to speak to the assistant teacher about this. (Imagine at just 4-ft tall the cutest elderly Japanese woman ever and that was our assistant teacher.) Upon hearing my plight, she said, “Good, just observe.” She noticed the concern on my face and added, “Or return to anapana meditation if it feels like too much.”
As proud as I was for reaching enlightenment—and in half the time of the course!—I was also pretty sure I was about to have a heart attack. I could not get my heart rate down and spent an hour wide-awake following the evening meditation. (Whereas the previous nights I fell asleep within seconds of lying down.)
The following day I was trying for the same vibrational experience I had on Day 5. The more I strived for it, the more it seemed to elude me. Day 6 was my lowest day. I felt like I had cracked the code on Day 5, and now I couldn’t do a darn thing. What was going on! I was so bothered. I spent the day feeling like a failure. Goenka lied—I am not bound to be successful!
Each evening we listened to Goenka’s hour-long discourse. And during the evening dialogue, a filmed recording of Goenka’s lectures, he somehow managed to address exactly what I was going through each day. Day 6 was no different—he explained that my attachment to the feeling I experienced led to my inability to experience it. Fine, I’ll let it go, I decided. That night, I released the craving for the full body vibration and voila, there it was. Thanks for the lesson, G!
On Day 7 our instructions shifted. We were directed to notice the “gross sensations” (like the super uncomfortable feeling in my knee or hip). From there, we were told to practice “anicca” (a-nee-cha), or the idea of impermanence, or that everything is constantly changing and cycling through; although something may feel like a grossly uncomfortable or painful sensation, it is in fact passing by, so just observe. Do not label it good or bad, for it is only our reaction that gives it such meaning. Just observe. Anicca, anicca, anicca…
I tried out the method of observation. Rather than shifting my body around every time I felt discomfort, I observed the sensation. Lo and behold, the sensations did not last! I could actually feel it cycling through! I imagined there was a faucet or drain, and the sensations were liquid, draining from my physical body.
And so began the process of release.
A Little Backstory
I’ve had chronic tension in my back, neck, and shoulders for as long as I can remember. My shoulders always seemed to close off my chest and I could not ‘open my heart’ as they like to say in yoga classes. I spent hundreds of dollars at massage therapists, acupuncturists, and chiropractors—‘the quick fix’—but always for an all too short-lived amount of relief. And after the massage, etc., within a day, the tension reestablished itself, taking up prime real estate in my body.
I had a deep conviction there was an emotional connection to my tension. I believed my physical body manifested the emotional turbulence I could not or would not work through. But I could not figure out how to address it! I wanted to get to the root but I just didn’t know how. The stress had manifested deep within my body and it seemed pretty well established. And so I held on to it. I held on tight.
Well, not any longer.
Letting Go
After each meditation I got up feeling lighter, looser, like jelly. The tension was melting away, and this time, it wasn’t just temporary relief.
I strayed from the directions. (Something we were not supposed to do…classic Liz.) In addition to observing as I was instructed, during the meditations, I also found myself asking my body what emotional memory was stored in each spot of tension. My body would respond, and sometimes I’d be surprised by the response—a lot of it seemed rooted in early childhood, some in adolescence, and a lot of feelings surrounding the idea of “not being good enough.” I found a deep wound relating to a childhood best friend who at some point in our lives got ‘too cool’ to hang out with me. I never dealt with the accompanying emotions and they’d been manifesting in my body for years. My last romantic relationship poured out of my right hip—for three days. I did everything I could not to cry out in agony as it passed through me.
Releasing emotions through noticing sensations in my body was groundbreaking, life-changing. Finally! A solution to years of pain—both emotional and physical.
As ecstatic as I was to be reaping the relief, I also became angry. Why hadn’t anyone told me about the effects of Vipassana years ago!?! Didn’t anyone know the extent I’d been suffering!? Rage washed over me. How have people experienced this and not shared their experiences!!?
Anicca, anicca, anicca… I let the thoughts pass. I cannot go back in time to take an earlier course (to be honest, I probably would not have been ready for it, ie circa Tyler 2012), but I can appreciate the 10 days I spent learning the Vipassana technique. And going forward, I can live a life free of misery if I choose to. It’s always a choice.
My life has changed subtly yet dramatically. You may have noticed I changed my name—yes, that’s right, I’m letting go of Liz for a while. I meditate each morning and evening. It feels amazing. In daily life, I am not nearly as fidgety as I had been. My thoughts don’t race. I have stopped future tripping—I must say the thoughts on marriage, etc. came as a surprise to me as marriage had not been on my radar—not something I was consciously interested in(!) alas, I am not going to think about it. I’m allowing the universal flow to continue guiding me on my path. &I will choose nonattachment to be my daily motto. Anicca, anicca, anicca… let it go, let it flow <3
To close I would like to give a BIG shout out to Goenka for disseminating this information & making the meditation practice accessible to the world. Thank you Buddha for figuring it out and sharing it! And thank you reader, for not only reading my experience, but also hopefully gaining valuable insight on how you, too, can live a life free of misery. The choice is and will always be in your hands. May all beings find real peace, real harmony, real happiness.
Curious to learn more? Check out https://www.dhamma.org
I first heard of Vipassana when I lived in South Korea. I remember my friend Tyler talking about his experience with some 10-day silent meditation course. I had caught myself thinking, “What!—why would anyone DO that? Ten days of SILENCE!? I could NEVER do that! I would never WANT to do that! What in tarnation?”
And yet, over the next four years, my ‘what in tarnation’ feelings dissipated and I felt drawn on an increasingly spiritual & soul-searching path. Wishing to elevate my consciousness, raise my vibrations, and ultimately, awaken(!), I hoped to transcend the rat race—this modern day consumer-driven, promotion-seeking, living for the weekends type of life. There has got to be more to life than wishing away the work week while paying off the mortgage eeee it’s not the life I’m dreaming of! And so, ten days of silent meditation, an experience that at one time seemed beyond daunting, suddenly seemed like an imperative stepping-stone on my pathway to enlightenment.
While living in Hawaii it appeared as though all my friends had already participated in the 10-day Vipassana course. They encouraged me to give it a go. I eagerly searched the website to sign up on the Big Island. But between limited space and a heck of a lot of like-minded island-dwellers, there appeared to be quite the demand for such an experience. The course was full, drat!
Fortunately at that time I was also planning a trip through Asia. My friend Lianne who I would be visiting in Japan asked me if I had considered taking the Vipassana course while traveling. I had listed Vipassana on my new moon manifestation wish list a day or two prior to our conversation. I searched for a Vipassana center in Asia—not only were there two in Japan, but one was in my favorite city—Kyoto. I signed up that day. Another wish fulfilled.
Fast forward to June 7, 2016. I sat on a local Japanese bus full of high-vibrating, yet energetically nervous individuals. I had a hunch we were all going to the same place. We cruised through beautiful country land and groves of bamboo. We exited the bus with our small suitcases, or in my case, a huge traveling backpack full of tea and tea paraphernalia (I stocked up in China, ok!? :-p). We loaded into the Vipassana center’s vans and drove to the place we would call home for the next 10 days—a place that would ultimately witness my transformation. Our driver recommended we take a photo of ourselves before and after the course…
The Vipassana Experience
The Beginning
We were given a lot of rules. We were told we could not exercise (not even yoga—too distracting apparently!)—though we could stretch. We were not allowed to read, write or have access to the outside world. We were not to speak, make eye contact or gesture to one another. Females were segregated from the males—there was a curtain dividing our living quarters from theirs. They sat on one half of the meditation hall and we sat on the other. They ate upstairs, we ate downstairs. We each had an outdoor area, roped off to maintain our separation throughout the course.
I looked at the daily schedule posted on the wall and counted the hours we would be sitting in meditation. Over 10. Each day. Wait a minute, this is what we are doing? Oh wow. I really didn’t look into this ahead of time. I don’t know about this. I can barely sit for 20 minutes in meditation. 10½ hours seems a little much. Anyone else with me? Oh we can’t talk—observe the “noble silence.” Shoot. I already told them I would stay for the full ten days. That was the agreement. Well then, no turning back now, let’s do this. Gulp.
And so I sat. On my cushion. Four rows back. Five seats to the right, on the edge, near the door. Good location. I can get up and leave the hall at any time without disturbing anyone.
We were given daily instructions in English via tape recording by our teacher, Goenka. This Indian man, a former successful businessman, learned the original Vipassana technique from his teacher in Burma (present-day Myanmar) passed on by Buddha himself. Each instruction he gave was translated into Japanese. And every day Goenka told me I was ‘bound to be successful.’
The first day I was instructed to notice my in-breath and out-breath through my nostrils. And for the first few days we practiced this method called anapana—observing the breath.
In addition to noticing my breath (slash not really), I also planned a few trips, rearranged the furniture in my room in Wisconsin, created a vegan baked ziti recipe, got engaged, planned my wedding, named my children, bought property in Hawaii and built a house, created a community, planned my career, started a business, organized a detailed business plan, and worked diligently with clients in said business. Man was I busy.
Besides the noticing my breath part, I was getting really good at this sitting thing—at least good at passing the time.
I couldn’t sit still though. From pushing one leg back to the other leg back to hugging my knees, I was all over the place. But so were all the others around me. Not that I was opening my eyes! (ok, ya caught me :-p) Basically, I was—without question—failing at this course from the get go.
During our break times, I walked outside. Soaked up the sunshine, listened to the birds, noticed the spiders forming tunnels and caves with their webs—never seen that before. They had told us to wear shoes outside because of “snakes” and I thought oh sure, they just don’t want us dirty hippies going barefoot and tracking mud inside the meditation hall. But sure enough, on day four I nearly stepped on a huge snake in the path! Maybe 5 ft long. I saw him days later up in a little tree. I also witnessed skinks in a scuffle, fat frogs, colorful caterpillars, and a broken butterfly.
The Broken Butterfly
He had lost part of his wing and maybe two of his feet (they’re supposed to have 6, yeah?) Well anyway, this butterfly could not fly. And he crawled on to my hand. He vibrated violently at first and eventually calmed down. When the gong sounded for our next meditation, I left him by the flowers.
I came back afterward and he was just where I’d left him. He hopped back on my hand and used his long tongue to cover my hand in his saliva—how nice of him to share! I let him down once more when it was again time to meditate.
Upon my return, he allowed me to witness something quite spectacular. Through some intense wing flapping, he purposefully broke off part of his intact wing to have symmetry with the missing piece. Immediately after, he began ambling toward me at a brisk pace. He looked up in my eye and we both knew this was it for him. By breaking off his wing he accepted that he would no longer fly—and would therefore be an easy meal for another critter.
I told him I’m sorry he was on his way out like this. But he responded to me: our physical life is impermanent. My body is physical and will pass away but my soul will live on. He said he was grateful for losing part of his wing for had he not, he would never have shared time and had this connection with me. And because of our time together, he is the happiest butterfly in the world.
I was amazed because I had not viewed his situation in that way. What a wise butterfly. He gifted me the partial wing he had flapped off. We knew it would be the last time we saw one another.
When I returned during our next break, he was nowhere to be seen. Picking up a flower he had sat upon, I performed a ceremony for the butterfly. I thanked him for his lesson on nonattachment, the inevitability of change and impermanence, and the wisdom he bestowed upon me. The acquiescence of the butterfly—what a gift to behold!
Going Deeper
When I wasn’t walking laps around the garden or conversing with butterflies, I spent a good amount of time “stretching” while actually practicing yoga—shhhhh…. I’m pretty sure others were doing some yoga too, even the guys (not that I was looking, sheesh!) … Because gosh golly, my body was in an interesting state from all that sitting…
On Day 4 we moved beyond noticing our breath and learned the Vipassana meditation technique. Vipassana translates to “seeing things as they truly are.” We were instructed to notice the sensations of the entire body from top to bottom. They even closed the doors on us (no 20 minute bathroom breaks this time, Liz!) and so I knew things were getting serious. By Day 5, I was experiencing full body vibrations, like energy waves coursing up and down my body. I’d done it! I was convinced I'd reached enlightenment!!
During our evening meditation before bed, the vibrations were even more intense. I noticed my heart rate speeding up and my hands sweating profusely. Understandably I was unnerved by such intense sensation, and I felt obligated to speak to the assistant teacher about this. (Imagine at just 4-ft tall the cutest elderly Japanese woman ever and that was our assistant teacher.) Upon hearing my plight, she said, “Good, just observe.” She noticed the concern on my face and added, “Or return to anapana meditation if it feels like too much.”
As proud as I was for reaching enlightenment—and in half the time of the course!—I was also pretty sure I was about to have a heart attack. I could not get my heart rate down and spent an hour wide-awake following the evening meditation. (Whereas the previous nights I fell asleep within seconds of lying down.)
The following day I was trying for the same vibrational experience I had on Day 5. The more I strived for it, the more it seemed to elude me. Day 6 was my lowest day. I felt like I had cracked the code on Day 5, and now I couldn’t do a darn thing. What was going on! I was so bothered. I spent the day feeling like a failure. Goenka lied—I am not bound to be successful!
Each evening we listened to Goenka’s hour-long discourse. And during the evening dialogue, a filmed recording of Goenka’s lectures, he somehow managed to address exactly what I was going through each day. Day 6 was no different—he explained that my attachment to the feeling I experienced led to my inability to experience it. Fine, I’ll let it go, I decided. That night, I released the craving for the full body vibration and voila, there it was. Thanks for the lesson, G!
On Day 7 our instructions shifted. We were directed to notice the “gross sensations” (like the super uncomfortable feeling in my knee or hip). From there, we were told to practice “anicca” (a-nee-cha), or the idea of impermanence, or that everything is constantly changing and cycling through; although something may feel like a grossly uncomfortable or painful sensation, it is in fact passing by, so just observe. Do not label it good or bad, for it is only our reaction that gives it such meaning. Just observe. Anicca, anicca, anicca…
I tried out the method of observation. Rather than shifting my body around every time I felt discomfort, I observed the sensation. Lo and behold, the sensations did not last! I could actually feel it cycling through! I imagined there was a faucet or drain, and the sensations were liquid, draining from my physical body.
And so began the process of release.
A Little Backstory
I’ve had chronic tension in my back, neck, and shoulders for as long as I can remember. My shoulders always seemed to close off my chest and I could not ‘open my heart’ as they like to say in yoga classes. I spent hundreds of dollars at massage therapists, acupuncturists, and chiropractors—‘the quick fix’—but always for an all too short-lived amount of relief. And after the massage, etc., within a day, the tension reestablished itself, taking up prime real estate in my body.
I had a deep conviction there was an emotional connection to my tension. I believed my physical body manifested the emotional turbulence I could not or would not work through. But I could not figure out how to address it! I wanted to get to the root but I just didn’t know how. The stress had manifested deep within my body and it seemed pretty well established. And so I held on to it. I held on tight.
Well, not any longer.
Letting Go
After each meditation I got up feeling lighter, looser, like jelly. The tension was melting away, and this time, it wasn’t just temporary relief.
I strayed from the directions. (Something we were not supposed to do…classic Liz.) In addition to observing as I was instructed, during the meditations, I also found myself asking my body what emotional memory was stored in each spot of tension. My body would respond, and sometimes I’d be surprised by the response—a lot of it seemed rooted in early childhood, some in adolescence, and a lot of feelings surrounding the idea of “not being good enough.” I found a deep wound relating to a childhood best friend who at some point in our lives got ‘too cool’ to hang out with me. I never dealt with the accompanying emotions and they’d been manifesting in my body for years. My last romantic relationship poured out of my right hip—for three days. I did everything I could not to cry out in agony as it passed through me.
Releasing emotions through noticing sensations in my body was groundbreaking, life-changing. Finally! A solution to years of pain—both emotional and physical.
As ecstatic as I was to be reaping the relief, I also became angry. Why hadn’t anyone told me about the effects of Vipassana years ago!?! Didn’t anyone know the extent I’d been suffering!? Rage washed over me. How have people experienced this and not shared their experiences!!?
Anicca, anicca, anicca… I let the thoughts pass. I cannot go back in time to take an earlier course (to be honest, I probably would not have been ready for it, ie circa Tyler 2012), but I can appreciate the 10 days I spent learning the Vipassana technique. And going forward, I can live a life free of misery if I choose to. It’s always a choice.
My life has changed subtly yet dramatically. You may have noticed I changed my name—yes, that’s right, I’m letting go of Liz for a while. I meditate each morning and evening. It feels amazing. In daily life, I am not nearly as fidgety as I had been. My thoughts don’t race. I have stopped future tripping—I must say the thoughts on marriage, etc. came as a surprise to me as marriage had not been on my radar—not something I was consciously interested in(!) alas, I am not going to think about it. I’m allowing the universal flow to continue guiding me on my path. &I will choose nonattachment to be my daily motto. Anicca, anicca, anicca… let it go, let it flow <3
To close I would like to give a BIG shout out to Goenka for disseminating this information & making the meditation practice accessible to the world. Thank you Buddha for figuring it out and sharing it! And thank you reader, for not only reading my experience, but also hopefully gaining valuable insight on how you, too, can live a life free of misery. The choice is and will always be in your hands. May all beings find real peace, real harmony, real happiness.
Curious to learn more? Check out https://www.dhamma.org
After the course
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